In a recent episode of the show “Parenthood,” a teenage couple deals with a pregnancy. The girl wants an abortion; the boy doesn’t want her to have it. She gets the abortion, anyway. Boy is supportive (he loves her), but when it’s done, he’s broken, distraught, and for the first time goes to his mother for emotional support (he’d been very private and “teenagery” up to that point).
It was, I thought, an effective way to show the impact of abortion on males who don’t agree with the decision to abort, but who have no say, really, and can only stand by and accept whatever the woman decides.
While I do believe that the male (in a relationship in which the two respect each other) should be informed of a pregnancy and be involved in a discussion of the options, I also believe that – following whatever discussion takes place – the decision ultimately is (and should be) the woman’s.
But there’s something about this ultimate decision-making power that doesn’t quite work.
(Note: the rest of this post assumes the couple isn’t married or similarly committed.)
If an “oops” pregnancy occurs and the man doesn’t want a child, the woman can decide to have it, anyway, and the man will be forced to, at the very least, pay child support.
If an “oops” pregnancy occurs and the man wants the child and the woman doesn’t, she can terminate the pregnancy, and he has to accept it.
It just doesn’t seem – well – fair.
What if there were some kind of legally binding document the man and woman would fill out and sign upon acknowledgment of a pregnancy? Like so:
(Note #2: It was rightly pointed out in the comments that some of the ideas proposed could never work, because what’s important when a child is born is to properly provide for the child. I did think about that, but I ignored it – and shouldn’t have. That said, if someone reading this can think of possible solutions, please add them! It’s probably true that there will never be full equality when it comes to abortion and childbirth, there has to be a way to, at the very least, improve upon the currently existing model.)
1. Upon discovery of pregnancy, man and woman discuss whether the baby will be born.
2. If the woman chooses to abort and the man doesn’t want her to, she accepts full responsibility for medical costs.
3. If both the woman and the man choose abortion, they pay for it 50/50.
4. If the woman doesn’t want a baby but agrees not to abort out of deference to the man, the man agrees to accept full medical costs and sole custody of the child (unless both later decide that they’d like to share costs and care) or to make adoption arrangements.
5. If the man doesn’t want a child and the woman chooses to carry the pregnancy to term and raise the baby, the man will be absolved of any responsibility to the child, including visitation and child support.
6. If a woman chooses to keep the baby and the man is in favor of the decision, the two will enter into custody and child support discussions.
Obviously, there are a bazillion ways for either party to take advantage of such arrangements, but there’s nothing people won’t find a way to take advantage of. Maybe it could work. Or something like it…? What agreements would you include on such a form?
Randee
/ February 28, 2013Can’t go with this. Child support, in theory — both legal and actual, I believe — is meant to assist the child. If the child comes into the world, both parents have a responsibility to care for it. A contract “absolving” a man of that responsibility because the woman chooses to have the child rather than abort shifts the focus away: This is about providing for another life’s needs, should that life occupy space in the world. That’s all there is to it. If you don’t want to risk a child and all the attendant responsibility, you don’t have sex. Since that’s not going to happen, BOTH people who choose to have sexual relations should understand and be willing to accept the potential consequences down the road.
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ February 28, 2013Very true. It is, in the end, about the child. Therein lies the gaping flaw in the contract.
A Guy
/ February 28, 2013The government provides support, incentives, welfare and benefits for a slew of circumstances already. The child needs to be supported certainly, but does 100% of that have to come from the men being forced into fatherhood against his will? The least the gov’t could do if they are going to be garnishing his paychecks it allow that portion to be tax free.
Randee
/ February 28, 2013Let’s hear it for personal responsibility. The government is there for those who can’t provide for themselves and have no assistance elsewhere. There are consequences to actions, and if you create a new life it is — on every level that includes morally and financially — up to you to ensure this person grows up to be a productive member of society. As someone else noted it’s completely impractical to come up with any solution that wouldn’t be abused, but even if there were: You don’t get to absolve yourself of being a parent, unless you let your child be adopted out. It’s not the child’s fault you’re mature enough to create a new person, but not mature enough to accept that it’s a lifelong commitment.
Stephanie
/ February 28, 2013Have you read “Why Have Children” by Christine Overall? http://www.amazon.com/Why-Have-Children-Ethical-Bioethics/dp/0262016982
It’s a very philosophical book but she brings up many of the things you discuss in your post and discusses them at length. I, too, agree that there is a lopsidedness to the unwanted pregnancy issue. It puts men in a potentially powerless position of supporting a child they never wanted.
I agree there should be some way of absolving a man of all responsibility for an unborn child he never wanted, but legally I don’t know of a good way to do that that wouldn’t be extensively abused. A tough question.
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ February 28, 2013I haven’t read it, no. sounds interesting, though.
KingTut
/ February 28, 2013The biological responsibilities of the two genders are unfair to begin with, so there is really no way to make the outcome fair (you are asking for “equal outcome”).
One of the biological benefits of having a child for a man is the furthering of his genetics. He would be getting this reward for “free” if he was not expected to care for his child. He would still have this benefit when the child is 18. There is nothing to stop the biological father or his relatives from having a relationship withe his offspring.
Also, child support does not belong to the mother to negotiate. It belongs to the child.
Every child has a right to both parents.
I would recommend mothers not being able to assume full physical custody with support paid to them after birth. I support a system of shared parenting with no support paid, or fathers having a shot of full custody with mothers paying support to the fathers.
DaPoet
/ March 2, 2013The only reasonable solution is to require women to suck it up and take full responsibility for the consequences of their actions instead to blaming her male partner, denying him his rights and setting him up to be financially raped.
Of course this will never happen because it just makes too much common sense.
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ March 3, 2013Oh, men are equally complicit in the act that creates a pregnancy. And your “women aren’t capable of common sense” bullshit renders anything else you could say worthless. Take it somewhere people like you whine about how women are always taking you down. It’s the only place anyone will give you an ounce of credit.
Barrett Ballensky
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Sylvia D. Lucas
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