A little while ago, a Huffington Post article by Ann Brenoff, “Midlife ramblings: What I don’t get about my childless/childfree young friends,” inspired me to write a quick Q&A post answering some of the more frequently asked questions people have about the childfree.
I linked the post to the childfree Reddit forum (I lerve the childfree Reddit forum!), and one of the responses to the link was left by “jkpinaz,” who expressed disappointment that different questions weren’t answered. These questions:
- Why build an identity around not having kids?
- Why ‘childfree’? ‘Childless’ is neutral, used more often, doesn’t trigger my spell check. ['Childfree'] is semantic douchebaggery.”
- Do you hate children? and I mean it in the same way as asking if someone hates a certain race or sex of people.
- Why don’t the CFs who want more childfree places/establishments instead want more asshole-free places/establishments?
I actually loved these questions and thought I’d try to answer them (without claiming to be able to speak for all childfree people).
Why build an identity around not having kids?
This question assumes the majority of childfree people are building such an identity. I don’t think they are. What you’re probably seeing is a gathering of a minority group drawn together by their common interest or experience.
Take any minority group – whether gay, a particular ethnicity, a situation (fathers fighting for more equal custody rights, say) – and consider why they’re drawn to each other or why they create a voice in whatever venue they choose, and the reason will probably be similar for the childfree: essentially, support or camaraderie.
If producing offspring is “normal” (which everything and everyone tells us it is from birth to whenever), then not wanting to produce offspring must equal “abnormal.” In some very public conversations, it also must equal selfish or cold or self-centered, as the Huffington Post article I link to above more than implies. To assure yourself you are, in fact, normal, you find others like you.
I apologize for choosing a graphic with such terrible grammar.
As for those who make habit of denigrating parents and/or children (see image to the right), I can’t really answer that. I have two guesses, though: a) they’re angry at being called selfish or “sinful” and are responding with their own “screw you” (sometimes preemptively), or b) they’re new to discovering they don’t want kids, understand it’s not the popular choice (your own parents often have issues with it, friends treat you like you’re weird, people patronize you quite a bit, etc.), and are planting their feet/finding their voice/constructing their shell in preparation for judgment.
It could be, too, that some of those who are most vocal about being childfree are also very passionate about the environment, overpopulation, and/or what their taxes pay for, and being childfree is a component of that larger passion.
But, again, those are just guesses. I suspect everyone’s reason is different.
Why ‘childfree’? ‘Childless’ is neutral, used more often, doesn’t trigger my spell check, [and 'childfree' vs. 'childless' is] semantic douchebaggery.”
“Douchebaggery” triggers my spell check.
And “childless” isn’t neutral. When the assumption is that everyone wants kids, this is what happens with a word like “childless”:
MARY: (to Jennifer) Your wedding three hours ago was just beautiful! So, when are you two having kids?
JENNIFER: Oh. Well, we’re childless.
MARY (later, whispering to her husband over the shrimp platter): Did you hear? The poor Nelsons. They’re childless! Tsk.
“Childless” is an unfortunate situation.
“Childfree” is not. It immediately communicates that the couple (or person) doesn’t want children and that no sympathy is required.
Those who desperately do want children but are unable to conceive would probably agree that there’s a vast difference between childless and childfree.
Do you hate children? and I mean it in the same way as asking if someone hates a certain race or sex of people.
Not wanting to be a parent is in no way comparable to being a bigot.
Which is not to say there aren’t child-haters. (I mean, practically everyone hates someone, and everyone is hated by someone – why should kids get a pass?)
What I mean is that there are plenty of childfree who love kids – who even find work that will have them heavily involved in the lives of children – but who don’t want to be parents. There are also many who can’t stand kids, and many who are ambivalent about them. I’m one of the ambivalent ones. I see kids as plain old people, and I don’t like or dislike them until I know them.
Everyone is different. What I’ve seen in the childfree communities I’ve participated in, though, is a lot of “I just don’t want to be a parent.” It’s its own lifestyle, and one many of us have no interest in.
Why don’t the CFs who want more childfree places/establishments instead want more asshole-free places/establishments?
It isn’t only the childfree who want childfree establishments.
To the second part of your question: The thing about assholes is that when they’re adults, you can complain to the management (or tell the asshole to leave, yourself) without the risk of people gasping at you and calling you a monster.
When the asshole in question is a child (yes, little people can be jerks, too) or his or her parents, you’re pretty restricted. It’s usually bad form to try to discipline someone else’s child, and equally frowned upon is telling a parent how to discipline their child.
The best defense, they say, is a good offense.
___
Thank you for leaving these questions in the Reddit forum, “jkpinaz.” You can’t be the only one to have wondered such things, and I hope my answers helped a little bit.
If anyone reading this wants to share their own responses or experiences, please do! I’d love to read your comments. Maybe jkpinaz would, too.
Setting the record straight
/ March 21, 2013*Why build an identity around not having kids?*
Because it’s nice to go out with friends and not have them bring out 10,000 pics of their kids and keep asking, “Isn’t he just the cutest wootest wittle thing in the entire universe?!” Or some of us do have major accomplishments in our lives that took a significant amount of cognitive abilities rather than acting like a biological process (i.e. making babies) was a superpower.
*Why ‘childfree’? ‘Childless’ is neutral, used more often, doesn’t trigger my spell check. ['Childfree'] is semantic douchebaggery.”*
Childfree implies someone who has chosen not to have children. Childless more implies someone who doesn’t have but wants children. Some will argue that the “less” part implies that something is missing from their lives when in fact childfree people do not feel that there is something missing in their lives.
*Do you hate children? and I mean it in the same way as asking if someone hates a certain race or sex of people.*
Who says all cf-ers hate children? I for one absolutely adore my niece, but at the end of the day she is going home with her mama because I want my peace and quiet. Maybe we should turn that question onto YOU….why do you hate childfree as if someone else would hate Atheists, Homosexuals,…..just because we’re in the minority you seem to have some very skewed misconceptions.
*Why don’t the CFs who want more childfree places/establishments instead want more asshole-free places/establishments?*
I think most parents along with childfree would love more adults only establishments. We all pay to go out for a nice meal and of course there is someone there who wants to shit all over that. I have seen people who let kids run free, screaming and knocking into other people. Leave huge messes then stiff the server on a tip, now that’s an asshole.
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ March 21, 2013Thanks for leaving your own responses to the questions!
Steve
/ April 11, 2013And, really, _IF_ I did in fact hate children, what’s so bad about that? Is that really the end of the world?
If I’m a terrible person for hating children, then punish me. Perhaps you could punish me by keeping your precious little snowflakes away from me. Deny me the benefits of their company and your company. Socially isolate me from your family. Boycott all the public places where I hang out. That’ll teach me a lesson…..
mentalityheroine
/ March 21, 2013I left a huge response to this on my blog: http://mentalityheroine.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/re-do-the-childfree-hate-children-and-other-questions-from-a-redditer-answered/
Thanks for the great read Sylvia!
R.J. Keller
/ March 22, 2013“It isn’t only the childfree who want childfree establishments.”
“I think most parents along with childfree would love more adults only establishments.”
Absolutely, says this mom of three. Considerate parents don’t bring their babies or small children to a non-family restaurant, period. It’s not only irritating to fellow diners (and boy, is it ever), it’s really unfair to expect a young’un to behave appropriately for the setting. This is why they invented McDonalds Playland and Chuck E Cheese.
“['Childfree'] is semantic douchebaggery.”
I don’t think so. Calling me a ‘breeder’ or my kids ‘crotch fruit’ is, though. That’s fucked up. Anyone immature enough to resort to that bullshit belongs at Chuck E Cheese, too.
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ March 22, 2013I really should have added that I wish people wouldn’t do that (I can’t tell you how much I hate it). I’m truly trying to understand what’s behind that level of vitriol.
Laura Carroll (@LauraCarroll88)
/ March 22, 2013Sylvia, Smart piece! How many times have I had to answer these same questions over the yeas…A Lot. How many time will we have to continue to answer? Me – until people finally Get It! Peeps, pass this on! Laura http://lauracarroll.com
@Specschic
/ March 22, 2013*Why build an identity around not having kids?*
For me it’s more about my identity not being built around being a parent. Semantically there is a difference. It’s often assumed a woman of my age (late 40s) is a mother and possibly even a grandmother (eek!).
My identity is about my personality, what I believe (or don’t) what I do, who I choose to socialise with etc It is not a pre-formed box labelled ‘mother’ with optional extras. Woman does not equal mother but in the minds of many they are the same by default.
I’m sure there are a lot of things I have in common with some mothers. I’m not a unique, special snowflake and those commonalties will come from things that are not child related eg socio-economic group, upbringing, education, type of job and so on.
Until the default for woman is simply “woman”, without reference to parental status we will need to keep using the term childfree as part of our self-description.
breeder.parody
/ March 22, 2013hi, i’m the one who created that image, the one with terrible grammar! Know that i speak 6 languages, english is not my own language!!! It is bad written well try writting on my language and we’ll see te result! Americans are so full of shit! They think they own the world someone makes a mistake when writting in “they’re” language they whine! When they go to another country don’t even fucking bother learning a word or two in the local language! And then wonder why the whole world hates them…
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ March 23, 2013If you are the creator of the image, first, I of course had no idea English wasn’t your first language. How could I? Second, because I didn’t have that information, I had no idea I was insulting a foreigner’s English effort. What I meant to insult was an American’s failure to proofread. My apologies to you.
Bark At The Son
/ March 25, 2013“Yes, Little People can be jerks, too.” Are you a bigot against Little People? lol Just a joke.
Scott
/ April 11, 2013For me, childfree and childless are two different categories. “Childless” means you want kids but don’t have any, while “childfree” means you don’t have any and don’t want any.
I’m not as insulted as I used to be about being called “childless.” It’s just inaccurate, not offensive to me. As for “childless” suggesting that you’re missing something positive without kids, that’s not always what the suffix “-less” means.
Sometimes “-less” means that you’re lacking something negative. It doesn’t just mean you’re missing something positive. Being “less” something could be a very GOOD thing.
We could think of “childless” the same way we talk about something being “painless”…..
Sylvia D. Lucas
/ April 11, 2013True. :)