Please accept this as my official 2011 Christmas list:
I want weddings for Britney, for Kris and for Kim
To be given the laughter they’re due,
And I want those same weddings, the foolish and fake
To be fair game for gay couples, too.
I want God, if there is one, to enter Fox News
And sit in on the Fox & Friends show
(And that would be enough, don’t you think? The moment S/He sat down, the hosts would have to know S/He was there to tell them one thing and one thing only – or maybe two things, the second of which is, “Your refusal to pronounce foreign names correctly, by the way, is one of the most unprofessional, passive-aggressive, childish, and ugly-American examples of faux journalism to grace any station” – and their shame would be immediately apparent before they disappeared into the floor in a puff of black soot.)
I want just for the season to stop with the names
(Beyond that’s a futile request)
And for people to argue with what’s in their brains
While keeping their douche-dom repressed.
(I know I am guilty of douche-dom, myself
And of not being nice to Fox News.
I try really hard other times in my life,
But my hatred for Fox tends to ooze.)
I want to see people like Miss Hate-Filled Coulter
Find new ways to make a paycheck
Maybe by using the fame her hate’s gaining
To do something nice. What the heck?
And to all of the hands of the people in office,
Get out of my underwear, please!
I don’t want a baby, and teens aren’t abstaining–
We NEED pills and our IUDs.