Sh*t Childfree Say

A video posted by STFU Parents (“Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say”) made me want to do this.

Sh*t Childfree Say

1. “I think I’m just going to hang out all day and read a book from cover to cover.”

2. “What’s that thing for?”

3. “What, you can’t have four little glasses of wine? I’m sure they won’t wake you up in the morning.”

4. “I wish they made those little boots in my size.”

5. “Oh. You mean they go with you everywhere?”

6. “How hard can it be to find a babysitter?”

7. “Do you really need to bring all that stuff with you?”

8. “So, like, do you identify with most of the women on TV?”

What are your “Sh*t Childfree Say” suggestions? Leave ’em below!
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Sylvia D. Lucas is the author of

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47 thoughts on “Sh*t Childfree Say

  1. “I can’t wait for our trip to Europe. We’re going to be gone for FOUR WEEKS!”

    “Why on earth do people bring babies on planes?”

    “Let’s spend Christmas together, just the two of us.”

    “When did the human race forget babysitters existed?”

    “Seriously? Someone brought their toddler to an R-rated movie?”

  2. “Yes, I can join you for drinks/music/fun!”

    “Happy hour after work? SURE!”

    “Why aren’t there no-children seating sections in restaurants?”

    “No, I don’t keep a trigger lock on my carry weapon.”

    1. Susan

      I would LOVE to see kid-free sections in restaurants. I always ask to be seated away from families with babies and toddlers on the occasions I go to one. It’s impossible to enjoy a meal out when you’re seated near a screaming baby.

  3. “White” anything – ha! Yeah, unless you have pets. (Actually, I tried white, anyway, with a big shag living room rug, and I’ve since had to make repeated use of the Oxy-Clean. That stuff is magic.)

  4. Hans

    “I was so pissed: “Keeping up with the Kardashians” was a rerun last night!”

    “You’ve got to see this video of my cat playing with this orange peel!”

    “I lost my iPhone again.”

    “It’s an awesome bar because they let you bring your dog in!”

    1. Hans

      Because it’s an attempt to suggest inaction as something to aspire to. Notice none of the comments here suggest the type of childfree person that visits your site (and would, likely, wear one of your shirts) is childfree for a purpose other than fucking around. Not necessarily a problem, but as a person concerned with the future (of the country, the environment, the planet, etc) it’s hard to look at people who subscribe to your particular point of view and not see them as a step backwards for humanity.

      Living childfree is one thing, but living childfree with open contempt for parents and their kids is another thing entirely.

      1. Thanks for replying, Hans. I appreciate it.

        Is someone who wears an “I [heart] golf” shirt saying golfing is something to aspire to? Many people just enjoy their life choices, and choosing not to have kids (just like choosing to have kids) is a significant life choice. And often not an easy one, because it means being thought of as somehow “unusual.”

        How is not having children a step backward in terms of your concern for the environment and planet? And why must there be a reason for being childfree other than “fucking around”? (If you’re referring to some of the comments that point to the freedom to have sex at any time and in any room, is there something wrong with that? What would you have childfree people do in order to justify not having children? Do you have the same disdain for parents who have children without a plan to better the world or fulfill another noble obligation?)

        I’m not sure what you think my point of view is. If this is the only post you’ve read, you either missed the lack of contempt in my short list, or you’re assigning the point of view others (in the comments) to me. My list was written in fun and meant to be light, an addition to the “Sh*t [ x ] Say” meme. If you read more of my posts (and I wish you would), you’ll see I have absolutely no contempt for parents (which I also point out in No Children, No Guilt), nor do I encourage it. In fact, I’ve actively tried to DIScourage it. Should you decide to read further, I recommend you start with this: https://sylviadlucas.com/2011/09/22/the-child-free-vs-breeder-war-why-are-we-fighting-it/

      2. Hans

        Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not the act of being childfree that I think is the problem. It’s the contempt that a certain faction of the childfree seem to have for children and parents that I have a problem with.

        And I don’t see how this blog post jives with the one you’ve linked to. Your link suggests you don’t have anything against children or parents, but then you title this post “Shit Childfree Say” and almost every item is a disdainful reference to someone with kids. If you’re really trying to discourage contempt for parents then you are definitely doing it wrong.

      3. Susan

        Hans, I have to say that I don’t see how you or anyone else can see the childfree choice (or the done after one choice for that matter) as some kind of “threat” to mankind as a whole. As several stories have reported, we have now reached a world population figure of 7 BILLION. So I don’t see how you or anyone else can argue or imply that that humanity is “in danger of extinction” or something equally absurd.

        I’m a done after one parent, and I don’t take offense at any of the items included in this posting thread. Why you take offense at them is beyond me.

      4. Hans

        Susan, you’re arguing against things I never said. I repeat: “Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not the act of being childfree that I think is the problem. It’s the contempt that a certain faction of the childfree seem to have for children and parents that I have a problem with.”

        And Sylvia, #3, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

      5. Thanks, Hans. I really appreciate that you’re willing to continue engaging in this conversation.

        I’ll take the numbers you pointed out one by one:

        #3. “What, you can’t have four little glasses of wine? I’m sure they won’t wake you up in the morning.”

        This is an example of ignorance, and it’s also an example of something a parent would react to with, “Sorry? What?” People who don’t have kids to wake up to, and who like to enjoy too many glasses of wine, will usually try to convince others to drink with them. “Oh, I’m sure they won’t wake you up. Come on!” is something someone who has no idea what parenting is like would say.

        #5. “Oh, you mean they go with you everywhere?” This is actually something many people (especially younger people) who want to have kids don’t even think about (and should). You can’t go to the store, the gas station, or sometimes even the bathroom without a child going with you. Again: ignorance.

        #6. “How hard can it be to find a babysitter?” How is this offensive? I thought it was another pretty obvious example of obliviousness. From what I hear, it’s VERY hard to find a babysitter. But, when you’re not someone who’s ever had to look for one, you might think it’s as easy as calling up a neighbor.

        #7. “Do you really need to bring all that stuff with you?” Another case of ignorance. We, without kids, might think, “You bring the kid, a teddy bear, the car seat, and diapers. What’s all that other stuff? Why do you bring it?” We don’t know these things. What’s obvious to a parent is not so obvious to us.

        #8. “So, like, do you identify with most of the women on TV?” How is this offensive? Can you point out more than five woman on TV who don’t have, and don’t want, children?

        I can see how these items might have been read as snarky if you’re reading them from the perspective of someone who is anticipating snark from the childfree. However, if all you’ve read on this website is this blog entry and are using that to influence what you think I think or feel about parents, you’re reading it out of context and you’re applying the wrong attitude to it.

        The reason parents are mentioned at all is this: In the video about sh*t parents (or crunchy mamas) say, the things they say have to do with a particular thing they have in common. In “Sh*t Writers Say,” the things they say have to do with what they have in common. (Etc.) For this one, what the childfree have in common, the things they would say, in large part revolve around 1. their ignorance of parenting, and 2. the things they take for granted that they have the time to do, time parents don’t have.

        Neither of those things is inherently offensive, and it was certainly not my desire to parent-bash. (However, I should have given more thought adding a disclaimer that I wasn’t attacking parents and that I didn’t want to see any attacks in the comments. That, at least, would have more clearly communicated my intent.)

      6. Hans

        Seems like my issue is in understanding your intended tone, then. Having found this post through an r/childfree link on reddit and then reading through the comments, I didn’t take your post to mean things that Childfree say because they’re ignorant, but instead as things Childfree say to rip on parents:

        #3 – Can you believe these parents won’t even have another drink? What’s the big deal, amiright?

        #5 – Geez, is it that hard to do something without your kids for one second?

        #6 – Can you believe how long it takes these guys to find someone to watch their kids? Just open a damn phonebook!

        #7 – Look at all this useless stuff they think they need!

        #8 – Look, your life has become as one-dimensional as the average TV character. You’re just a mom who talks/thinks about mom stuff.

        I apologize for misinterpreting your tone, but I’m a bit surprised that a childfree site would’ve written an article that seems intended to be humorous from the parents point of view. I find it hard to believe that a self-professed childfree person would have any ignorance (or admit to any ignorance) with regards to parenting duties and lack of free-time since those would seem to be important bits of knowledge to have before making and defending the decision to be childless.

      7. Goodness. You couldn’t be more wrong about what I was thinking. Yes, tone was definitely misinterpreted.

        I’m a bit surprised that a childfree site would’ve written an article that seems intended to be humorous from the parents point of view.

        It’s not intended to be humorous from the parent’s point of view. It’s laughing at oneself. [P.S. This isn’t a childfree site. That’s one of many topics addressed.]

        I find it hard to believe that a self-professed childfree person would have any ignorance (or admit to any ignorance) with regards to parenting duties and lack of free-time since those would seem to be important bits of knowledge to have before making and defending the decision to be childless.

        I would think they’d be more important pieces of information for those making and defending the choice to have children. If you’re not having them, you don’t have to think about such things. If you are having them, you certainly SHOULD think about such things.

      8. Susan

        Hans wrote: >>”Susan, you’re arguing against things I never said. I repeat: ‘Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not the act of being childfree that I think is the problem. It’s the contempt that a certain faction of the childfree seem to have for children and parents that I have a problem with.’ “<>”Because it’s an attempt to suggest inaction as something to aspire to. Notice none of the comments here suggest the type of childfree person that visits your site (and would, likely, wear one of your shirts) is childfree for a purpose other than fucking around. Not necessarily a problem, but as a person concerned with the future (of the country, the environment, the planet, etc) it’s hard to look at people who subscribe to your particular point of view and not see them as a step backwards for humanity.” <<

        It was THIS post that I was responding to. Sorry if I was unclear before.

      9. Hans

        So I don’t get the joke, then. You obviously understand that by choosing to be child-free you have less burdens in your life. Is it funny that you just keep recognizing new ways in which you’re burden-free?

      10. Susan

        Sylvia D. Lucas: “I would think they’d be more important pieces of information for those making and defending the choice to have children. If you’re not having them, you don’t have to think about such things. If you are having them, you certainly SHOULD think about such things.”

        I’m in TOTAL agreement, especially with the last statement here. But the weird thing is, whenever I do mention things like the HARDSHIPS of parenthood, including — but not limited to — the loss of free time on certain discussion forums, I’ll get at least three slams for being “negative about parenting” and nonsense along those lines.

        WTF? I hate to break it to them (not really), but those hardships of parenting are realities, and yes, they are negative ones. Anyone even THINKING about being a parent needs to consider those hard realities and whether or not they want to cope with them. If they don’t think about those hardships, they’re fools for complaining later. I know all about them, especially in the early years, which is precisely why I stopped at one and didn’t want any more, no matter how many times I was told I was “selfish” for that decision.

    1. Hm. Nice one. Argumentative, but that’s okay.

      You’re aware, I’m sure, that a lot of people who are parents die alone, too. Children aren’t with them 24/7. And, well, people who don’t have children can still have friends, siblings, other family, etc. Or, like many parents, they might die alone.

      You can’t have kids as a way to guarantee that you’ll have company when you die any more than you can safely assume that not having kids means having no company later in your life.

  5. Hans

    “I hope those miserable fools raise their kid to be a decent doctor. I’m going to need someone to take care of me when I get older!”

    1. Jess

      Childfree people don’t say that. They plan on having a nurse in the retirement homes take care of them and they’ll be able to afford it by not having kids.

      1. Hans

        “I hope those miserable fools raise their kid to be a decent retirement home nurse. I’m going to need someone to take care of me when I get older!”

    2. I DO hope someone raises some good doctors and nurses, but I also hope the people who don’t want children, don’t feel pressured by society into having them because they aren’t going to enjoy it, and the kid will probably grow up to be a terrible person. I’m grateful to the people who LOVE having children, but that doesn’t make the ones who don’t want children bad people Hans.

  6. Luna

    “How would I know how a car seat goes in a car?!”

    “The baby did WHUT in your HUH?! –when being told about one person’s delivery.

    “We just had a very “HAWT” and STEAMY shower together” >;3

    “I’m going to be sterilized!!!!!” With the same excitement as a person(wanting kids) just found out they’re pregnant.

  7. “Is there an app that blocks baby updates on Facebook?”
    “Check out my [insert something highly breakable and expensive] collection!”
    “I think low cost spay/neuter clinics for humans would be a great idea, actually.”
    “You really don’t want me to get less than 8 hours of sleep a night. Trust me on this.”

    Fun topic!

  8. Susan

    Sylvia D. Lucas wrote: “Is it different from parents with car stickers showing x number of kids or “baby on board”? What is it that bothers you about it? (Honest question.)”

    I would love to see the answer to this question. But I have a feeling that it won’t be forthcoming.

  9. Great topic.
    “I’m reading up on astrophysics, just for fun.” OR “I’m on Conversational Italian 3 for my trip next month.”
    “I was the only one in the office today who wasn’t stuck at home for a school snow day.”
    “I have a lot of favorite charities; it’s hard to choose which one should get my next check.”
    “Who needs a flu shot?”
    “I love my quiet Saturdays.”
    “My spouse and I discuss our life goals frequently.”
    “I have never felt so free.”

  10. Deni

    ” I am soooo tired [ususally said in the office on a Monday]. My cat/dog was bothering me ALL night!”

    “Ohmigosh, its ssooooooooooo hard to work from home. My CAT/DOG will not leave me alone!”

    “Fluffy is SUCH a picky eater too! [like your toddler].”

    Srsly. one thing that bigs the crap out of parents is CFers complaining about their lifestyle choice to have a dog or cat or horse, whatever and in converasation likening the challenges to that of having a CHILD.

    [ e.g. responses in my head to the above CF declarations of hardship. read: sarcasm]:

    ” [name of pet] bothering you? – put it in a kennel for a weekend. Bugging you in bed? Put it in kennel for the night. Can’t work from home? You poor thing! Buy a muzzle or kennel it or put it outside in your backyard. Mmmm yeah, most pets actually *like* being outside sometimes and maybe won’t be so fat, repressed, and bothersome to you! Picky eater? Wow. Buy it a bag of dry food, stop enabling and spoiling the animal, and i bet it’ll break down and eat sooner or later.”

    Contrast: Parent putting child in kennel for one night = call to CPS.

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