Most Pressing Childfree Questions Answered

When I look at my site stats, I’m always intrigued by the search terms people have entered that led them to my website. And sometimes I’m troubled by them.

But always, I wonder whether people found the answers they were looking for. In case there are others who want to know some of the same things the seekers wanted to know, I’d like to share a few questions/issues here and do my best to address them. Terms below are copied and pasted directly from my stats:

1. husbands that want kids and wives that dont want kids

I read this as, “My husband wants kids, but I don’t,” or, “I want kids, but my wife doesn’t.” In either case, it’s a difficult situation, because if both are unwilling to budge, a divorce is likely. If divorce isn’t an option, one of the people in the couple will very likely end up being resentful.

Whether to have kids isn’t something that can be compromised on – you either have them or you don’t. And it’s not something either party can be “blamed” for wanting or not wanting, nor should either party feel unloved or like they’re less important than a child (or lack thereof). For more on this, please read When S/He Leaves You for Not Wanting Kids: Jerk! (or Justified?)

2. he says he wants a baby

and

if he says he wants to have a baby with me what does he mean

If he says he wants a baby, he probably wants a baby.

However, what does it mean to want a baby? In many cases, it means something different for women than it does for men, and this is largely due to the different parenting roles we assign ourselves. (See He Says He Wants Kids – But Does He Mean, “I want YOU to have kids”? )

Having a baby can often seem like a romantic idea, and his saying, “I want you to have my baby” might feel like the ultimate expression of love and commitment, but it’s something that requires more than surface exploration. Talk about it with him. Ask, “What does it mean to you to want a baby? What do you see your role being once this baby is born?”

3. reddit no children

If you’re a reddit reader, there is a childfree subreddit: reddit.com/r/childfree. I mention this here because I recently discovered it, myself, and it’s a truly valuable and informative community. Check it out!

4. how do you know he wants a child with you

If he wants a child (either with you, or period), he may not come out and say, “I want children.” Some men I’ve known have been reluctant to express it so plainly. Maybe they watch too many movies about bachelors who feign strangling themselves or shooting themselves in the head at words like “marriage” or “children.”

He will, however, either slip up by saying things like, “When I have kids,” or, “When we have kids,” or – equally telling – he won’t tell you, “I don’t want kids.”

If he hasn’t said anything outright and hasn’t slipped up and you really want to know the answer, just ask.

5. not wanting children means no relationship

Hard truth: Yes, in many cases, not wanting kids will mean you can’t have or maintain a lasting relationship with someone who wants them. Not a happy one in which both parties are getting what they need, anyway. Move on.

[This next one isn’t a childfree-related question, but I just came across it and it’s too important to not include]

6. my husband rapes me

Rape is rape, no matter who’s doing it. And don’t ever be distracted by terms used to somehow mitigate the seriousness of the violation (“date rape,” “non-consensual sex”). No matter what, if you are made to have sex against your will, whether you’re a man or a woman and whether the attacker is a stranger or someone you know, it’s RAPE. Period. And if it’s your husband doing it, it also falls under domestic violence. Find help in your local area.

7. kids and the why question

I assume this means the “Why don’t you want kids?” question, because there’s no common “why” question about people who want kids (even if those of us who don’t want them wonder “why” pretty regularly).

If you’re asked “Why?” just tell the truth. It’s that easy. It’s a question like any other, and it doesn’t have to bother you any more than you let it. People are curious. For more on this, see, “Why?” The Child-Free’s Most Hated Question.

8. logan klotz pornography

I know nothing about this and have no idea how it led someone here.

9. study showing women without children are happier

There’s more to this than a simple, “Childfree are happier than parents. Neener!” In this thing called the Happiness Wars, parents insist they’re happier than the childfree (even though studies suggest the opposite), childfree claim to be happier than parents, and parents of one claim to be happier than everyone. How can so many people think they’re winning at happiness? See The Happiness Wars: Why the Childfree ‘Beat’ Parents.

10. what does he mean when he said never want kids

I think it’s pretty clear.

Any time anyone says, “I don’t want kids,” take their word for it. Don’t assume they’ll change their minds any more than you would assume they would change anything else about themselves over time. Might they change their minds? Sure. People change their minds about things all the time. Usually, though, people who don’t want kids are just as certain about their choice as are those who have decided they do want kids.

When someone says, “I want kids,” do you question what they mean or assume they’ll change their minds?

___

That’s it for now. I hope to go through the search terms on a semi-regular basis to answer questions people might have a hard time finding elsewhere. You’ll notice that the links I provide are links to my own blog entries, but within those blog entries, there are usually links to other articles/source material.

I hope some of this has been helpful.

Best,

Syl

P.S. One more, this just in:

11. pregnant one night stand he does not want kids

Birth control birth control birth control birth control birth control.

Jesus.

.

.

Advertisements

Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s